Passage of time.

It's funny how time moves at the same pace no matter what. Sometimes it feels like it moves so fast you can barely breath, much less live. Other times its so painful nothing moves fast enough. A dear friend says from time to time that she wishes she could fast forward and see how it turns out. Maybe I would, just to get a preview. Maybe soften the blow, offer some hope. There was a time that I loved loved loved to look back into my past in one year or two year increments. In vacations the last times I was here.... But lately, now it's just to hard. The looking back. I wish I could explain it. Even to myself. It's hard when you look back at your life and you can no longer make sense of what is real and what is not. I spent a huge part of my life living what was a lie or what seems to be a lie. Believing what I wanted to, what I thought was real. This it proving to be a huge challenge. It's hard when you feel like you are walking on egg shells in your own head.

I think its funny how the brain works. How we look back over our lives in one year increments. I think about last Halloween and how happy i was to just have Darren around being able to trick or treat. How I was so excited that he was sober. How I so believed that we would start to work on the next chapter.

I was so foolish to believe we were changing anything. To think you could leave the past behind just because you wanted to.

It's like a fucking time bomb. The deceit and hurt and lies are woven in the past in the worst way imaginable. The threads and links to all the things that hurt are everywhere.

When I think about last halloween I remember the fun I had with my friends and the excitement of the kids.
But it's so confusing to even me, I don't trust a single thing. I don't trust a simple memory of the past. I remember feeling happy and content, but I wonder? Was I being lied to? Is what I remember and think nothing but deceit? Not the kids but with everything involving Darren. Every single word uttered by him I believe to be a lie. Every kiss, every hug, every laugh, a ruse another way to humiliate and hurt me. From when I wonder. The first woman he slept with was shortly after he took a job on the hill. Julianna was born in September and he must have started working there sometime in April. Was she a birthday fuck present to himself? Yontell was a nasty filthy fat pot smoking black girl and it makes me want to vomit to think of where she's been. Where he's been. I am disgusted in so many ways. I remember her. She pretended to be friendly. They hung out and he said they were just friends. hmmmm I've never had friends like that.

But in addition to the fact that my husband fucked another woman what hurts is how long the lies and betrayal have gone on. At that point in time our lives had just started. We were supposed to be getting to know one another. Building our life and our future. I was however to stupid to know what I had chosen. Too trusting and loving. Too beleiving. I had no idea that someone would be capable of the things he would do. Never imagined how much he would take and hurt. I have always believed in the good of humanity and little did I know I had the very worst at home. What an irony.

What I struggle with right now is the feeling that the whole past has been taken from me. Every picture I see I wonder was he doing it then? Which part of the lie am I living now? I wonder how fucking stupid am I? Certainly I am eligible for some sort of award for being the dumbest person ever. I have been foolish enough to love this guy. I was foolish enough to want a forever and future with someone who's sole desire was and is himself. Why did I wait around believing he'd every want or love the life he said he did? That he'd ever be happy and loving and kind to us?

My hearts truest desire has been to just have my quite little life.

It seems so simple on paper.
Fall in love with someone who makes you smile. Makes you laugh. Someone your sorta just like being around. You show them all your sweet soft spots all the parts that are tender and scared and vulnerable and you trust them to keep then safe and love and protect them. It was right here where it all went wrong.

When was that? 1999? 1998? When did it start? Was it when I was pregnant with anna and he blamed me? When he moved his stuff out because I wouldn't have an abortion? When I told him he could leave? Go and be free. When he started using me as his excuse. I was the ultimate get out of jail free card. Oh I can't go, the wife won't let me. Ohh poor me I am such a nice guy, a good husband and my wife is a miserable bitch....blow me in the bathroom?? Oh okay I guess. The gap toothed unemployable girl who stroked his ego (and other things.) Was it there?

I guess what I know now is he was broken long before I found him. I must have been to to believe him. To have allowed myself to love someone who I clearly invented. I thought he was sweet soft and smart and kind. Darren is nothing but a series of lies. There is nothing about him that I know now. He is a stranger I don't like very much. What I know of him is dishonesty and selfishness. Deceit and self-serving. I hate the way he thinks he can treat people. I hate the way he treats me. I hate that he lies still about what he's doing. I hate that I have stayed this long. I hate that I have allowed myself to think there was any future here. I hate that I blew $30000 on getting him sober. I hate that I did not walk away and let him die drunk and alone under a bridge. It is what he deserved. Even his own parents thought that. Completely unwilling to stand beside him, what kind of person does not even command the loyalty of his parents?

There is still this part of me that wants to believe that he is the "person" he sold to me that he was. How sad and pathetic does that make my? Why can I not accept that darren is what darren is? Maybe it's me wanting to redeem myself. Be like I'm not the one who was wrong all this time. I did not fool myself into believing he loved me. But the harsh reality is I did. He did not love me and that's super hard to accept. I think if i just hang on there will be an end. Another side, the other side. But the truth is is this is the side. There is no something else. This idea that he'll turn out to be the guy I always thought he was, that he'll be that guy and I won't get to be there and be with him. The other guy. That I will miss out on what should have been mine. It seems so definitive and final. I wish I could just walk away and have it really be goodbye.

A day in the life.....

Oh there have been so many many days that have slipped passed. It's easy to think about all the things those days have had in common. Tired. Lay me out on the floor wiped out tired. Not quite everyday of the past 7 months but close. Damn close. Wonder. I have wondered so many things...will my children be ok. Completely unsure of what to write and how to write it. How to express myself and thing and process and protect his privacy. And without fail a touch of sadness. There are times where i'm ok. This is the way life is now. This is the reality.
Accept, surrender. That shit is way harder than it seems.

Musings.

I always struggle with the title. I feel like it sets the tone and lately stuff has just been all over the place so a succinct title just seems impossible.

D's home on a visit and it's nice having him here. It 's nice as the kids really like having him around. It's nice to have someone else in the house and though I am reluctant to admit it it's nice to just be with him. I have really missed my husband. Not just the past 8 weeks but for the months before.

It's funny I've always known words like bleak and misery but now I feel like I KNOW them. I have for the past few days felt bleak. It seems like lately I say yeah sure, that's fine. When really I have no F**cking idea of how that will work. It does seem to always work out (I'm supposed to be seeing my higher power in this) but the last eight weeks has really just worn me out. But truth be told there are times when I want to so NO that won't work. I know it's dumb and unreasonable and selfish and nonsense but NO. I don't do it as in the end it doesn't best serve the situation but I must admit I do think about it. It must be the co dependant enabler in me. I say that with a smile.
I have always believed that I can do anything. Not delusional crazy but confident that what ever needs to be done can be. Ok ready to move on.

I haven't been able to get to an alanon meeting and I'd really like to go...it's been a couple of weeks and it's so hard to carve out the time. Excuses excuses.

I have learned so much the past few months it blows my mind.

Fight Club

Someone mentioned fight club to me. The person that goes to all those support groups.

I am feeling that way only it's not so much fun.

Alanon, Alateen, AA, Counseling, Family Counselors, Family Week....

I never would have imagined this would be my life. I spent some time this morning thinking about the why, when my friend pointed out that why is an academic question that really didn't matter. It just is.

For me I think the why matter because if I can understand something I feel like I can relate to it and its' the first step in understanding things.

Right now I feel like I don't understand things. I guess it's not supposed to matter but I am having a hard time wraping my brain around that one...

I'm reading the shack, homework from my therapist, and it's so not a straight forward book. I must admitt I have no religous back ground so much of it confuses me. Maybe i'm just not ready.

Trust what?

I was at the beach with some dear friends and my fortune cookie said to trust. Hmm. An odd fortune in light of the current events in my life but it left me with alot to ponder.

The time has come that I don't really trust myself to speak.

I don't trust that I won't lash out with angry words deeply seeded in hurt.
I don't trust that seething remarks about his "girlfriend" won't seep out.
I don't trust myself from saying yes, get the FUCK out of my house. Over and over.
And over. And over. And over.
There we go again.

I went to his parents a few weeks ago, a place I don't like for SO many reasons. But it was important to him, if we were gonna keep working, that we be close to his family so I said OK. It was Jason's birthday and I like his brothers alright. needless to say he go trashed, hiding beer in the garage and falling down. Yikes. I left without him. I don't want to be around drunk Darren. Simple. No yelling, no fighting. Figured we'd talk later in the week. Not a big deal. That's what I've been working on. No big deal.

So I get home and his phone was in the car...zing.

Zing.
"Do you miss me on the weekends? Tell me the truth?"

(text from the herpes girl, Jen Laverdure OHSU coworker whore.
Oops, there went another slip.)

Hmm. Burn in my belly. Tight chest. Teresa's with me. The code to his phone is still smudged in. What the hell...I'd been resisting the urge to look. What's the point of hurting myself? Who wants to live like that. It'd been much more peaceful...

So back and forth we texted. Nice. He'd continued to see her after I found out the first time.
Wow the words, the experience's of the past month are blowing my mind.

So it continues or it doesn't. (by that I mean the relationship he has with her. Oops some vomit just rose from belly into my mouth. So gross.)

I don't have the energy to watch or worry. I am not sure why or how it would matter. If that is what he wants that's what will be. I can't concern myself too much with him right now. He's flying non-stop on the concord to self destructville and I am not getting on that plane.

He said his therapist said he needed inpatient treatment. He also gave me a long list of reasons why he couldn't go. Hmm. I wonder what he'll do. I hope he gets sober. For him.

I've been trying to figure out me. What do I want?
I've been pretty good about planning something for just me every month. A day of fun, hope and happiness. Something bright in my future when I can't live past today right now. It's too daunting.

So August it's rafting. September a concert and overnighter with my friends. October my birthday, another concert I'm super excited for. Maybe he'll go. maybe not. I know I will. November Hawaii with my girlfriends.

For that I feel brave. I have not gone away without him but once to Vegas. I have never bought plane tickets without a plan. I have no idea of where we're staying or what we're doing. I have no idea of where the kids will go or how I'm gonna pay for it. I don't know where Darren will be. But I do know it will all work out and I don't have to have all the answers right now.

Maybe it's my start. A start always begins somewhere.

One Day

All it took was one day.

I guess I should be happy for that.
I must admitt I did want to spend some time with Darren, but alas I had to work so when I got home in the morning I was ready to say hello and goodnight all at the same time! The kids had really missed him so I suggested he go and do something fun with them and really enjoy them. But when Beck woke up from his nap it became clear that no one was enjoying themselves.

He was trashed.

The kids were bored and unhappy and I was unhappy too. I know he was annoyed about Kia being there but the kids needed watching. And I thought he could make it longer than a day...

Something about this time is different. The kids see the drinking and get it. Like really really get it. Katie worries about what he does. She watches him, Even though I tell her not to worry.
I was amazed how relaxed I was at camp and didn't even know it. When Beck woke up I called him to grab him so I could keep sleeping, four hours does not cut it, and Anna came up and said dad was across the street. Instantly I tensed, know that meant he was hanging out with the neighbors and that almost always means drinking. So when Darren finally came up to grab him I turned on the light just to look. The being "on" all the time was back, having to wonder. It sucks. I hadn't realized how much effort it takes to make sure that he doesn't have to be responsible for the kids when he's in that condition. It's turned into a 24 hour thing.

So now Kia will watch them at night and my mom in the day or another babysitter. I just can't help but think oh, how fucked up, the kids can't be alone with their dad for fear of alcohol. I am so afraid that he will hurt them one day. I really and truly believe he can't be with the kids right now.

I was so upset that day. I couldn't stop crying. Sobbing, wailing really. So much sadness. I could feel something inside me just break. I felt so alone, no one who know him knows this, no one to help me help him. The kids, their own grandparents incapable of believing and they are suffering with only me to keep it togeahter for them. That day seemed so lonely. I felt stupid for missing him and wanting to spend time with him. I felt betrayed and tricked. I felt scared. The alcoholism is that bad. Middle of the day, just because it was there. He couldn't even spend the afternoon with the kids having fun after they had been gone for a week. Wow. He is so miserable and feel so sorry for him. He is losing.

So the kids and I left, no sense in staying around that, had a picnic and played at the park until work time for me. Thank God for Kia. Really. She has been amazing this past week and I really appreciate her. And the hundreds of dollars I am now paying for babysitting. I guess it's a small price to pay for their safety though.

No counseling appointment this week, Don is out of town and I wish we could go see him. He says he wants to go to treatment but I don't know if I beleive him. I guess it is the same as everything else. Time will tell.