One Day

All it took was one day.

I guess I should be happy for that.
I must admitt I did want to spend some time with Darren, but alas I had to work so when I got home in the morning I was ready to say hello and goodnight all at the same time! The kids had really missed him so I suggested he go and do something fun with them and really enjoy them. But when Beck woke up from his nap it became clear that no one was enjoying themselves.

He was trashed.

The kids were bored and unhappy and I was unhappy too. I know he was annoyed about Kia being there but the kids needed watching. And I thought he could make it longer than a day...

Something about this time is different. The kids see the drinking and get it. Like really really get it. Katie worries about what he does. She watches him, Even though I tell her not to worry.
I was amazed how relaxed I was at camp and didn't even know it. When Beck woke up I called him to grab him so I could keep sleeping, four hours does not cut it, and Anna came up and said dad was across the street. Instantly I tensed, know that meant he was hanging out with the neighbors and that almost always means drinking. So when Darren finally came up to grab him I turned on the light just to look. The being "on" all the time was back, having to wonder. It sucks. I hadn't realized how much effort it takes to make sure that he doesn't have to be responsible for the kids when he's in that condition. It's turned into a 24 hour thing.

So now Kia will watch them at night and my mom in the day or another babysitter. I just can't help but think oh, how fucked up, the kids can't be alone with their dad for fear of alcohol. I am so afraid that he will hurt them one day. I really and truly believe he can't be with the kids right now.

I was so upset that day. I couldn't stop crying. Sobbing, wailing really. So much sadness. I could feel something inside me just break. I felt so alone, no one who know him knows this, no one to help me help him. The kids, their own grandparents incapable of believing and they are suffering with only me to keep it togeahter for them. That day seemed so lonely. I felt stupid for missing him and wanting to spend time with him. I felt betrayed and tricked. I felt scared. The alcoholism is that bad. Middle of the day, just because it was there. He couldn't even spend the afternoon with the kids having fun after they had been gone for a week. Wow. He is so miserable and feel so sorry for him. He is losing.

So the kids and I left, no sense in staying around that, had a picnic and played at the park until work time for me. Thank God for Kia. Really. She has been amazing this past week and I really appreciate her. And the hundreds of dollars I am now paying for babysitting. I guess it's a small price to pay for their safety though.

No counseling appointment this week, Don is out of town and I wish we could go see him. He says he wants to go to treatment but I don't know if I beleive him. I guess it is the same as everything else. Time will tell.