Trust what?

I was at the beach with some dear friends and my fortune cookie said to trust. Hmm. An odd fortune in light of the current events in my life but it left me with alot to ponder.

The time has come that I don't really trust myself to speak.

I don't trust that I won't lash out with angry words deeply seeded in hurt.
I don't trust that seething remarks about his "girlfriend" won't seep out.
I don't trust myself from saying yes, get the FUCK out of my house. Over and over.
And over. And over. And over.
There we go again.

I went to his parents a few weeks ago, a place I don't like for SO many reasons. But it was important to him, if we were gonna keep working, that we be close to his family so I said OK. It was Jason's birthday and I like his brothers alright. needless to say he go trashed, hiding beer in the garage and falling down. Yikes. I left without him. I don't want to be around drunk Darren. Simple. No yelling, no fighting. Figured we'd talk later in the week. Not a big deal. That's what I've been working on. No big deal.

So I get home and his phone was in the car...zing.

Zing.
"Do you miss me on the weekends? Tell me the truth?"

(text from the herpes girl, Jen Laverdure OHSU coworker whore.
Oops, there went another slip.)

Hmm. Burn in my belly. Tight chest. Teresa's with me. The code to his phone is still smudged in. What the hell...I'd been resisting the urge to look. What's the point of hurting myself? Who wants to live like that. It'd been much more peaceful...

So back and forth we texted. Nice. He'd continued to see her after I found out the first time.
Wow the words, the experience's of the past month are blowing my mind.

So it continues or it doesn't. (by that I mean the relationship he has with her. Oops some vomit just rose from belly into my mouth. So gross.)

I don't have the energy to watch or worry. I am not sure why or how it would matter. If that is what he wants that's what will be. I can't concern myself too much with him right now. He's flying non-stop on the concord to self destructville and I am not getting on that plane.

He said his therapist said he needed inpatient treatment. He also gave me a long list of reasons why he couldn't go. Hmm. I wonder what he'll do. I hope he gets sober. For him.

I've been trying to figure out me. What do I want?
I've been pretty good about planning something for just me every month. A day of fun, hope and happiness. Something bright in my future when I can't live past today right now. It's too daunting.

So August it's rafting. September a concert and overnighter with my friends. October my birthday, another concert I'm super excited for. Maybe he'll go. maybe not. I know I will. November Hawaii with my girlfriends.

For that I feel brave. I have not gone away without him but once to Vegas. I have never bought plane tickets without a plan. I have no idea of where we're staying or what we're doing. I have no idea of where the kids will go or how I'm gonna pay for it. I don't know where Darren will be. But I do know it will all work out and I don't have to have all the answers right now.

Maybe it's my start. A start always begins somewhere.