Musings.

I always struggle with the title. I feel like it sets the tone and lately stuff has just been all over the place so a succinct title just seems impossible.

D's home on a visit and it's nice having him here. It 's nice as the kids really like having him around. It's nice to have someone else in the house and though I am reluctant to admit it it's nice to just be with him. I have really missed my husband. Not just the past 8 weeks but for the months before.

It's funny I've always known words like bleak and misery but now I feel like I KNOW them. I have for the past few days felt bleak. It seems like lately I say yeah sure, that's fine. When really I have no F**cking idea of how that will work. It does seem to always work out (I'm supposed to be seeing my higher power in this) but the last eight weeks has really just worn me out. But truth be told there are times when I want to so NO that won't work. I know it's dumb and unreasonable and selfish and nonsense but NO. I don't do it as in the end it doesn't best serve the situation but I must admit I do think about it. It must be the co dependant enabler in me. I say that with a smile.
I have always believed that I can do anything. Not delusional crazy but confident that what ever needs to be done can be. Ok ready to move on.

I haven't been able to get to an alanon meeting and I'd really like to go...it's been a couple of weeks and it's so hard to carve out the time. Excuses excuses.

I have learned so much the past few months it blows my mind.

Fight Club

Someone mentioned fight club to me. The person that goes to all those support groups.

I am feeling that way only it's not so much fun.

Alanon, Alateen, AA, Counseling, Family Counselors, Family Week....

I never would have imagined this would be my life. I spent some time this morning thinking about the why, when my friend pointed out that why is an academic question that really didn't matter. It just is.

For me I think the why matter because if I can understand something I feel like I can relate to it and its' the first step in understanding things.

Right now I feel like I don't understand things. I guess it's not supposed to matter but I am having a hard time wraping my brain around that one...

I'm reading the shack, homework from my therapist, and it's so not a straight forward book. I must admitt I have no religous back ground so much of it confuses me. Maybe i'm just not ready.

Trust what?

I was at the beach with some dear friends and my fortune cookie said to trust. Hmm. An odd fortune in light of the current events in my life but it left me with alot to ponder.

The time has come that I don't really trust myself to speak.

I don't trust that I won't lash out with angry words deeply seeded in hurt.
I don't trust that seething remarks about his "girlfriend" won't seep out.
I don't trust myself from saying yes, get the FUCK out of my house. Over and over.
And over. And over. And over.
There we go again.

I went to his parents a few weeks ago, a place I don't like for SO many reasons. But it was important to him, if we were gonna keep working, that we be close to his family so I said OK. It was Jason's birthday and I like his brothers alright. needless to say he go trashed, hiding beer in the garage and falling down. Yikes. I left without him. I don't want to be around drunk Darren. Simple. No yelling, no fighting. Figured we'd talk later in the week. Not a big deal. That's what I've been working on. No big deal.

So I get home and his phone was in the car...zing.

Zing.
"Do you miss me on the weekends? Tell me the truth?"

(text from the herpes girl, Jen Laverdure OHSU coworker whore.
Oops, there went another slip.)

Hmm. Burn in my belly. Tight chest. Teresa's with me. The code to his phone is still smudged in. What the hell...I'd been resisting the urge to look. What's the point of hurting myself? Who wants to live like that. It'd been much more peaceful...

So back and forth we texted. Nice. He'd continued to see her after I found out the first time.
Wow the words, the experience's of the past month are blowing my mind.

So it continues or it doesn't. (by that I mean the relationship he has with her. Oops some vomit just rose from belly into my mouth. So gross.)

I don't have the energy to watch or worry. I am not sure why or how it would matter. If that is what he wants that's what will be. I can't concern myself too much with him right now. He's flying non-stop on the concord to self destructville and I am not getting on that plane.

He said his therapist said he needed inpatient treatment. He also gave me a long list of reasons why he couldn't go. Hmm. I wonder what he'll do. I hope he gets sober. For him.

I've been trying to figure out me. What do I want?
I've been pretty good about planning something for just me every month. A day of fun, hope and happiness. Something bright in my future when I can't live past today right now. It's too daunting.

So August it's rafting. September a concert and overnighter with my friends. October my birthday, another concert I'm super excited for. Maybe he'll go. maybe not. I know I will. November Hawaii with my girlfriends.

For that I feel brave. I have not gone away without him but once to Vegas. I have never bought plane tickets without a plan. I have no idea of where we're staying or what we're doing. I have no idea of where the kids will go or how I'm gonna pay for it. I don't know where Darren will be. But I do know it will all work out and I don't have to have all the answers right now.

Maybe it's my start. A start always begins somewhere.

One Day

All it took was one day.

I guess I should be happy for that.
I must admitt I did want to spend some time with Darren, but alas I had to work so when I got home in the morning I was ready to say hello and goodnight all at the same time! The kids had really missed him so I suggested he go and do something fun with them and really enjoy them. But when Beck woke up from his nap it became clear that no one was enjoying themselves.

He was trashed.

The kids were bored and unhappy and I was unhappy too. I know he was annoyed about Kia being there but the kids needed watching. And I thought he could make it longer than a day...

Something about this time is different. The kids see the drinking and get it. Like really really get it. Katie worries about what he does. She watches him, Even though I tell her not to worry.
I was amazed how relaxed I was at camp and didn't even know it. When Beck woke up I called him to grab him so I could keep sleeping, four hours does not cut it, and Anna came up and said dad was across the street. Instantly I tensed, know that meant he was hanging out with the neighbors and that almost always means drinking. So when Darren finally came up to grab him I turned on the light just to look. The being "on" all the time was back, having to wonder. It sucks. I hadn't realized how much effort it takes to make sure that he doesn't have to be responsible for the kids when he's in that condition. It's turned into a 24 hour thing.

So now Kia will watch them at night and my mom in the day or another babysitter. I just can't help but think oh, how fucked up, the kids can't be alone with their dad for fear of alcohol. I am so afraid that he will hurt them one day. I really and truly believe he can't be with the kids right now.

I was so upset that day. I couldn't stop crying. Sobbing, wailing really. So much sadness. I could feel something inside me just break. I felt so alone, no one who know him knows this, no one to help me help him. The kids, their own grandparents incapable of believing and they are suffering with only me to keep it togeahter for them. That day seemed so lonely. I felt stupid for missing him and wanting to spend time with him. I felt betrayed and tricked. I felt scared. The alcoholism is that bad. Middle of the day, just because it was there. He couldn't even spend the afternoon with the kids having fun after they had been gone for a week. Wow. He is so miserable and feel so sorry for him. He is losing.

So the kids and I left, no sense in staying around that, had a picnic and played at the park until work time for me. Thank God for Kia. Really. She has been amazing this past week and I really appreciate her. And the hundreds of dollars I am now paying for babysitting. I guess it's a small price to pay for their safety though.

No counseling appointment this week, Don is out of town and I wish we could go see him. He says he wants to go to treatment but I don't know if I beleive him. I guess it is the same as everything else. Time will tell.

Ah Camp

I just got home from a week of blissfully tiring camp where I was the nurse. Besides a bout of food poisoning it was wonderful and FUN!

It's amazing what packing up 1/2 of your house, most of your kids and one of your dearest friends can do for your mind. Just being out.

Not worried about the supervision of the kids.
Not worried about weather or not someone will come home.
Not worried about anything.

NO FIGHTING.

Oh god that was the best, no daily stressful struggles. Nothing to make my heart ache with sadness. No looking into his eyes and feeling sad, overwhelmed. Disappointed.

I was quite pleased with myself. My bestie told me hey you just can't worry what he does, go have fun be with your kids. What he does he'll do weather you worry or not and it won't be changed. So I went, I didn't worry. I even made it till Wednesday before I couldn't hold out on calling. I will say a vicious bout of food poison had me reeling and looking for some support.
The first part of the conversation was about how happy he was and how much fun he was having with us gone. Which at first hurt, but maybe because I wanted it to. So I thought about it and realized, good have fun, isn't that the point of a break? To rejuvenate? I'd have a blast sans kids for a week too. So over that hump. Going out every night. That's just the way it is. Over that...It doesn't affect me so go for it. We made it almost a 1/2 hour before one of THE subjects came up. The childcare situation.

I for some dumb reason want him to see that it's his doing that now requires someone in the house with him and the kids who is rock solid sober. I want him to agree and say, yeah ok.I want his approval. So stupid of me. Totally doesn't matter. At our last appointment I said...You drink when you watch the kids, someone else will be here to make sure they are safe. Simple. Clear. Drank again. No need for conversation about the matter. No need for an agreement. He asked for another chance and my heart aches so much. I want so much to give him another chance. But DUH, that is so counter productive.
So tonight, tomorrow, all nights from here till change sorry if it bothers you, but here's the golden lining. We don't have to talk about it anymore. Granted we'll have to deal with the financial hurdle as this is gonna cost $1000 bucks a month...more than treatment, 1/5 of a weeks vacation in Hawaii for Christmas...

So then I felt bad ending the conversation that had gone so well with him annoyed. So then I had a dream that he was out cheating on me and then in my dream he turned into Dougie Houser. So after a night that was not so restful, both from the food poisoning and dreams I called again and again and a text or three, too. He ignored me all day. It did feel not nice to be ignored. But in that time of being ignored I was able to see that I did just have to let go of wanting that consent with the childcare situation, so worth being ignored and feeling bad. I also realized we should just have some fun. Not talk about stuff all the time. Whats gonna happen is gonna happen weather we talk about it or not.
So we talked again on the way home and it went well till THE childcare issue and then bam, dropped call. How lucky. That's the key less talking, less fretting, planning, worrying.

I'm not gonna solve it today or tomorrow so for Pete's sake just keep my mouth shut.
I'll enjoy today and tomorrow.

I am home from camp, relaxed, happy, full of post camp Joy.

Solution!~

I am so pleased with myself today.
I love to blog and what's most acute in my life right now feels off limits on my regular blog so this shall be mine. No one to hold back for or moderate for.
It feels great, as if there is finally a way to let the pressure off.

Me.

Ah.

I am a wife and mother and the list goes on forever in the ways I am. But mostly right now I am struggling with wife and mother. My husband is an alcoholic and man have thing ever gotton wicked bad in ways I never thought possible. Like never though possible.

I've known his drinking was a problem for about 7 years and knew it would just keep getting worse. And it did in fits and spurts. Then the flying downward plummet.
I made some real mistakes along the way and am greatful I found a way to see them. And now at least I have the oppertunity to correct them.

We are at a critical and I mean critical point and I have no idea of how things will turn out.
Critical as in we may end up divorced, him not getting to be alone with his kids. A total upturning of our lives and it is alot. To lose this is to lose a lot. I know millions of people get divorced and move onto bigger and better things. And I may end up joining those ranks, but I will be honest. I do not want that. I want my family to be togeather. I want to be married to my husband.

I'll admitt it's not always that clear to me, and it changes from hour to hour if not minuet to minuet, the wanting to work through this. Not only is my husband an alcoholic who has horrible depression, he also has cheated on me.

Who in the world stays despite this? I ponder the same question.

On fathers day he left the two middle ones alone, which is not only illegal and unsafe, to go buy liquor with our baby, and proceeded to drink while supervising them. He had the baby in his lap playing killing video games when I came in at 5pm. He had planned to go to his parents, a usually innoculous activity, but it fell through. When I realised this I knew I needed to come home. Thank god I did. I left with kids and went bowling. Once the kids were in bed, he passed out with the middle one, I spent some time talking to amazing friends. The conclusions were awesome.

I climbed into bed and he startled awake. I asked him how his day was and he said not well, how was yours. I told him I was scared. Scared for our children and scared for him. I bawled my eyes out. Really. He climbed into my arms and cried with me. For the first time he told me what it was like to think about drinking the obsession and self hate and guilt. The dissapointment he feels in himself, the anger. The resentment. I had no idea of how much he was SUFFERING. It broke my heart to see how much he hated himself. How much he hated what he did and does. How low he feels right now. How empty he has become. He said he needed help, wants help.

Hmmmm.
I'll do the last I can to be a wife to help him help himself. That is the key though. He has to help himself.