Ah Camp

I just got home from a week of blissfully tiring camp where I was the nurse. Besides a bout of food poisoning it was wonderful and FUN!

It's amazing what packing up 1/2 of your house, most of your kids and one of your dearest friends can do for your mind. Just being out.

Not worried about the supervision of the kids.
Not worried about weather or not someone will come home.
Not worried about anything.

NO FIGHTING.

Oh god that was the best, no daily stressful struggles. Nothing to make my heart ache with sadness. No looking into his eyes and feeling sad, overwhelmed. Disappointed.

I was quite pleased with myself. My bestie told me hey you just can't worry what he does, go have fun be with your kids. What he does he'll do weather you worry or not and it won't be changed. So I went, I didn't worry. I even made it till Wednesday before I couldn't hold out on calling. I will say a vicious bout of food poison had me reeling and looking for some support.
The first part of the conversation was about how happy he was and how much fun he was having with us gone. Which at first hurt, but maybe because I wanted it to. So I thought about it and realized, good have fun, isn't that the point of a break? To rejuvenate? I'd have a blast sans kids for a week too. So over that hump. Going out every night. That's just the way it is. Over that...It doesn't affect me so go for it. We made it almost a 1/2 hour before one of THE subjects came up. The childcare situation.

I for some dumb reason want him to see that it's his doing that now requires someone in the house with him and the kids who is rock solid sober. I want him to agree and say, yeah ok.I want his approval. So stupid of me. Totally doesn't matter. At our last appointment I said...You drink when you watch the kids, someone else will be here to make sure they are safe. Simple. Clear. Drank again. No need for conversation about the matter. No need for an agreement. He asked for another chance and my heart aches so much. I want so much to give him another chance. But DUH, that is so counter productive.
So tonight, tomorrow, all nights from here till change sorry if it bothers you, but here's the golden lining. We don't have to talk about it anymore. Granted we'll have to deal with the financial hurdle as this is gonna cost $1000 bucks a month...more than treatment, 1/5 of a weeks vacation in Hawaii for Christmas...

So then I felt bad ending the conversation that had gone so well with him annoyed. So then I had a dream that he was out cheating on me and then in my dream he turned into Dougie Houser. So after a night that was not so restful, both from the food poisoning and dreams I called again and again and a text or three, too. He ignored me all day. It did feel not nice to be ignored. But in that time of being ignored I was able to see that I did just have to let go of wanting that consent with the childcare situation, so worth being ignored and feeling bad. I also realized we should just have some fun. Not talk about stuff all the time. Whats gonna happen is gonna happen weather we talk about it or not.
So we talked again on the way home and it went well till THE childcare issue and then bam, dropped call. How lucky. That's the key less talking, less fretting, planning, worrying.

I'm not gonna solve it today or tomorrow so for Pete's sake just keep my mouth shut.
I'll enjoy today and tomorrow.

I am home from camp, relaxed, happy, full of post camp Joy.