One Day

All it took was one day.

I guess I should be happy for that.
I must admitt I did want to spend some time with Darren, but alas I had to work so when I got home in the morning I was ready to say hello and goodnight all at the same time! The kids had really missed him so I suggested he go and do something fun with them and really enjoy them. But when Beck woke up from his nap it became clear that no one was enjoying themselves.

He was trashed.

The kids were bored and unhappy and I was unhappy too. I know he was annoyed about Kia being there but the kids needed watching. And I thought he could make it longer than a day...

Something about this time is different. The kids see the drinking and get it. Like really really get it. Katie worries about what he does. She watches him, Even though I tell her not to worry.
I was amazed how relaxed I was at camp and didn't even know it. When Beck woke up I called him to grab him so I could keep sleeping, four hours does not cut it, and Anna came up and said dad was across the street. Instantly I tensed, know that meant he was hanging out with the neighbors and that almost always means drinking. So when Darren finally came up to grab him I turned on the light just to look. The being "on" all the time was back, having to wonder. It sucks. I hadn't realized how much effort it takes to make sure that he doesn't have to be responsible for the kids when he's in that condition. It's turned into a 24 hour thing.

So now Kia will watch them at night and my mom in the day or another babysitter. I just can't help but think oh, how fucked up, the kids can't be alone with their dad for fear of alcohol. I am so afraid that he will hurt them one day. I really and truly believe he can't be with the kids right now.

I was so upset that day. I couldn't stop crying. Sobbing, wailing really. So much sadness. I could feel something inside me just break. I felt so alone, no one who know him knows this, no one to help me help him. The kids, their own grandparents incapable of believing and they are suffering with only me to keep it togeahter for them. That day seemed so lonely. I felt stupid for missing him and wanting to spend time with him. I felt betrayed and tricked. I felt scared. The alcoholism is that bad. Middle of the day, just because it was there. He couldn't even spend the afternoon with the kids having fun after they had been gone for a week. Wow. He is so miserable and feel so sorry for him. He is losing.

So the kids and I left, no sense in staying around that, had a picnic and played at the park until work time for me. Thank God for Kia. Really. She has been amazing this past week and I really appreciate her. And the hundreds of dollars I am now paying for babysitting. I guess it's a small price to pay for their safety though.

No counseling appointment this week, Don is out of town and I wish we could go see him. He says he wants to go to treatment but I don't know if I beleive him. I guess it is the same as everything else. Time will tell.

Ah Camp

I just got home from a week of blissfully tiring camp where I was the nurse. Besides a bout of food poisoning it was wonderful and FUN!

It's amazing what packing up 1/2 of your house, most of your kids and one of your dearest friends can do for your mind. Just being out.

Not worried about the supervision of the kids.
Not worried about weather or not someone will come home.
Not worried about anything.

NO FIGHTING.

Oh god that was the best, no daily stressful struggles. Nothing to make my heart ache with sadness. No looking into his eyes and feeling sad, overwhelmed. Disappointed.

I was quite pleased with myself. My bestie told me hey you just can't worry what he does, go have fun be with your kids. What he does he'll do weather you worry or not and it won't be changed. So I went, I didn't worry. I even made it till Wednesday before I couldn't hold out on calling. I will say a vicious bout of food poison had me reeling and looking for some support.
The first part of the conversation was about how happy he was and how much fun he was having with us gone. Which at first hurt, but maybe because I wanted it to. So I thought about it and realized, good have fun, isn't that the point of a break? To rejuvenate? I'd have a blast sans kids for a week too. So over that hump. Going out every night. That's just the way it is. Over that...It doesn't affect me so go for it. We made it almost a 1/2 hour before one of THE subjects came up. The childcare situation.

I for some dumb reason want him to see that it's his doing that now requires someone in the house with him and the kids who is rock solid sober. I want him to agree and say, yeah ok.I want his approval. So stupid of me. Totally doesn't matter. At our last appointment I said...You drink when you watch the kids, someone else will be here to make sure they are safe. Simple. Clear. Drank again. No need for conversation about the matter. No need for an agreement. He asked for another chance and my heart aches so much. I want so much to give him another chance. But DUH, that is so counter productive.
So tonight, tomorrow, all nights from here till change sorry if it bothers you, but here's the golden lining. We don't have to talk about it anymore. Granted we'll have to deal with the financial hurdle as this is gonna cost $1000 bucks a month...more than treatment, 1/5 of a weeks vacation in Hawaii for Christmas...

So then I felt bad ending the conversation that had gone so well with him annoyed. So then I had a dream that he was out cheating on me and then in my dream he turned into Dougie Houser. So after a night that was not so restful, both from the food poisoning and dreams I called again and again and a text or three, too. He ignored me all day. It did feel not nice to be ignored. But in that time of being ignored I was able to see that I did just have to let go of wanting that consent with the childcare situation, so worth being ignored and feeling bad. I also realized we should just have some fun. Not talk about stuff all the time. Whats gonna happen is gonna happen weather we talk about it or not.
So we talked again on the way home and it went well till THE childcare issue and then bam, dropped call. How lucky. That's the key less talking, less fretting, planning, worrying.

I'm not gonna solve it today or tomorrow so for Pete's sake just keep my mouth shut.
I'll enjoy today and tomorrow.

I am home from camp, relaxed, happy, full of post camp Joy.