Solution!~

I am so pleased with myself today.
I love to blog and what's most acute in my life right now feels off limits on my regular blog so this shall be mine. No one to hold back for or moderate for.
It feels great, as if there is finally a way to let the pressure off.

Me.

Ah.

I am a wife and mother and the list goes on forever in the ways I am. But mostly right now I am struggling with wife and mother. My husband is an alcoholic and man have thing ever gotton wicked bad in ways I never thought possible. Like never though possible.

I've known his drinking was a problem for about 7 years and knew it would just keep getting worse. And it did in fits and spurts. Then the flying downward plummet.
I made some real mistakes along the way and am greatful I found a way to see them. And now at least I have the oppertunity to correct them.

We are at a critical and I mean critical point and I have no idea of how things will turn out.
Critical as in we may end up divorced, him not getting to be alone with his kids. A total upturning of our lives and it is alot. To lose this is to lose a lot. I know millions of people get divorced and move onto bigger and better things. And I may end up joining those ranks, but I will be honest. I do not want that. I want my family to be togeather. I want to be married to my husband.

I'll admitt it's not always that clear to me, and it changes from hour to hour if not minuet to minuet, the wanting to work through this. Not only is my husband an alcoholic who has horrible depression, he also has cheated on me.

Who in the world stays despite this? I ponder the same question.

On fathers day he left the two middle ones alone, which is not only illegal and unsafe, to go buy liquor with our baby, and proceeded to drink while supervising them. He had the baby in his lap playing killing video games when I came in at 5pm. He had planned to go to his parents, a usually innoculous activity, but it fell through. When I realised this I knew I needed to come home. Thank god I did. I left with kids and went bowling. Once the kids were in bed, he passed out with the middle one, I spent some time talking to amazing friends. The conclusions were awesome.

I climbed into bed and he startled awake. I asked him how his day was and he said not well, how was yours. I told him I was scared. Scared for our children and scared for him. I bawled my eyes out. Really. He climbed into my arms and cried with me. For the first time he told me what it was like to think about drinking the obsession and self hate and guilt. The dissapointment he feels in himself, the anger. The resentment. I had no idea of how much he was SUFFERING. It broke my heart to see how much he hated himself. How much he hated what he did and does. How low he feels right now. How empty he has become. He said he needed help, wants help.

Hmmmm.
I'll do the last I can to be a wife to help him help himself. That is the key though. He has to help himself.